Monday, August 15, 2011

Sunny With a Chance of Awkward

Isn't it great when you meet someone and you just click?  It's as if you had been friends forever.  You can talk about nothing and everything.  There are no long pauses.  You don't have to grasp at things to talk about because you both have that useful skill called making conversation.  It's a good day in non awkward conversation history.  Cherish those moments.  Embrace those words, expressions, thoughts, ideas making sweet music in this grand symphony of a conversation, for the next hundred people you meet will not be so.

Now we all know how much I love a good strange encounter or run-in around here.  Let's add awkward conversations to the list, shall we?  I've been awkward myself at times. I write this from the heart. You are not going to click with everyone unfortunately.  It would be nice if we could avoid all conversations of this variety, but it cannot be helped.  

Don't you love it when you ask some questions and the other person replies with no longer than two syllable answers?

How are you?  Fine.

What have you been up to lately?  Nothing.

So you just got back from vacation? Yeah. 

How was it? Good.  

I get it.  You really don't want to talk to me, and believe you me neither do I.  I'm really trying here.  I'm starting to sweat.  You could help a girl out by giving me something, anything.  Now is when you have to ask a bit more involved question.  Something they have to explain.

Where are you working now?  What do you do there?  

Now the person is warming up.  They explain a bit about their job.  You try to look interested.  Searching for something you can draw from what they are saying to keep the conversation going.  This is hard work.  Who needs a gym membership when there are so many awkward conversations to be had!  You're going to be exhausted after this.  Drink that protein shake down. You are going to need it. 

The problem is that this person will not ask you any questions back.  This is when you start talking to yourself even though there is a person standing there.  

What do I do for work?  Well, I'll tell you what.  

I know you're dying to know what I like to do for fun, right?  

You jammer on while this sorry blank faced, apathetic shell of a person sits there.  It's time to throw out  the big guns.  The questions no one dare ask.  You're getting desperate.  

What was your most terrifying experience from your childhood?  

When did you get that huge scar on your face?  Everyone loves telling their scar stories, right?

When are you due?

Are you a Mac or a PC?

Have you ever considered plastic surgery?  

What are you most looking forward to in your life?  

Are you passionate about anything at all?

Are you constipated?  Because you look a little bit constipated.  

If all else fails and only if all else fails, there is always the weather.  This is the end game of any awkward conversation.  This is when all hope is lost for keeping this charade going and you are at your wits end.  You will be physically shaking and mentally broken.  You may or may not be gnawing on a chicken bone or sucking on your hair.  When it comes down to it, your sanity is worth saving over this sad conversation.  Throw in the towel and walk away, unless you are sitting next to them at a dinner party already at this point before the main entree hits the table.  The night has just begun and you are in for the night of your life.  It's going to be epic.  Think of the stories you will have to tell.  

How 'bout that weather? 

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